I’m just starting out with my story:
I can say that I was a pretty normal and happy kid (that’s relative, of course), even though my parents divorced when I was five. I felt loved by both of them: especially from my mother in Munich, where I grew up, who really did everything for me to give me a nice childhood, but also from my Spanish family, where I always spent my whole vacation I loved and spoiled.
When I was about 13, my mother began to deal more and more with esotericism. And for me, too, this unknown, promising world became more and more interesting and so I spent many hours with astrology, commuting, auto-suggestion, yoga and all Far Eastern cultures.
Constantly my mother came home with something new. Something that should make our life easier, better and even happier. So I learned to handle a pendulum, focusing my life mainly on stars and tarot cards, and hypnotizing myself with autosuggestion, telling myself before falling asleep that I could do anything in my life.
In search of a new, better way, for my identity and answers to all my questions, I discovered the world view of the “New Age”. This liberal life philosophy of peace and enlightenment, the Age of Aquarius and the ideal that “everything is one” sounded interesting and promising! I hoped that this could provide an answer to my inner need for security, meaning of life, fulfillment, hope, peace among people, spiritual experiences, guidance and personal appreciation. The main message of this religion could be summarized as follows: live and let live, good and evil are relative, the process of reincarnation purifies and allows to reach higher and higher levels of spiritual enlightenment and fulfillment, God is in us and everywhere, all is God , The foundation is love: to ourselves and to others. There is no sin. When you make bad experiences or things, that’s part of our life journey, an experience we have to do.
My practices now consisted mainly of yoga (I was trying to get enlightenment), meditation (I wanted to become one with the cosmos), loving myself and others (at least I tried …), and my aura of aura oil before negative situations and Protecting people (I wanted to believe in it). In difficult moments, I took Bach flowers and there were always some strange metal plates and stones in our apartment, which my mother (on the same Selbstfindungstrip as I) of all esoteric fairs had dragged. Their cosmic vibrations should also contribute to our well-being. I’ve often wondered how many holidays we could have done for all these things … Fortunately, I never recalculated!
So I lived with my self-made gods for over ten years and was pretty much satisfied with my life. I had a good job in a renowned fashion company, really good friends, with whom you could either climb a mountain or just go to Verona for shopping. Fashion and perfect looks were a must for me, I had a cute flat that was fully Feng Shui style (the fountain placed at a particular spot “cared” for my finances) and there was a man in my life. What did I want more? I would have had every reason to be absolutely happy, right?
But something in my life was still missing! There had to be a deeper meaning! Everything seemed somehow so superficial to me. Could that have been all? Was that my whole life’s fulfillment?
All esotericism could not really make me happy. The question about my future and all associated fears remained. I wanted to be insured against everything. Somehow I suffered from existential fears and the fear of doing everything wrong in my life. I noticed that everything depended on myself and that scared me; because often I did not have the strength. I wanted to be carried. But from whom only? I suggested that I myself was a strong, clever woman who knew what she wanted in life. Why did not it work the way I imagined? What did I do wrong? Weakness was not needed here. I had to work, and good, at work, in private, in my life! It only worked if I worked. And yet I often felt so weak! I wanted to drop and be caught and had the desire that someone takes me by the hand and goes with me the “right way”. Someone who knows him and me, someone who knows who I am and what I need! I was sick of having to play someone “taffes” I was not! I longed for security, security and the “right thing to do”. At that time I wanted someone who could look into the future and show me the absolutely right way … The stars could not do it anyway …
Well, and then came the big turnaround: I somehow fell into a deep hole. Although very satisfied with my former job, I moved to another company because I was offered more salary there. However, the whole turned out on the second day as a huge flop out. I was absolutely bullied by my colleagues! I, who always used to be good with everyone. I could not understand the world anymore! I myself never wanted to hurt anyone. Why did these people do that? The situation worsened day by day. I reacted so mentally and physically so extreme that I only lived on nicotine and sedative pills, and went home crying almost every day …
At the same time, something had changed in my mother’s life. She said that she had now met God in person and started a new life. Again something new! I was already well equipped with all the “techniques”! And with this “wave” I could not and did not really identify with myself. “Christian people” (I knew these people from my grandmother, who was one of them) were for me Birkenstock freaks, who sit in baggy clothes on the floor (of course, unvarnished!) And sing to their guitar fanfare “Hallelujah”. That’s not how I wanted to be!
My mother started to become very active in this direction and wanted to convince me that Jesus really was the only solution for my life. She recently brought people to the coffee, who told me about God, instead of the esoteric miracle drugs. The whole thing left me rather untouched. Besides, I somehow believed in a higher power. I had created my own God who had something to offer of everything: A Deity of Buddhism (though I still waited for my “enlightenment”), united with all liberal, esoteric views and cosmic energy. The whole thing was rounded off with all Far Eastern philosophical ideas. That was enough. That had to be enough!
However, at that time the situation in the said job became unbearable. Neither my daily meditation exercises nor my positive energy beams helped to soothe my beloved colleagues or to change anything about the situation. Apparently nobody could help me! I was completely alone on my own. Here I had to go through alone! I felt so helpless and lonely … I started to feel like a failure. How much I longed for a helper!
So I decided, after much back and forth, to listen to my mother for a “Christian talk” and to make my own picture of it. It would not hurt …
And what I heard there on that April day in 2000 completely changed my life. I realized that without God in my life, I would not accomplish anything (nearly productive) and that I am lost, i. E. will not be with him, if I do not want to have anything to do with him in this life (that reminded me) and that I really need him – that every person, without exception, needs God. And something very decisive I learned: That this God is a God of love! He totally loves me and forgives everything I’ve ever done. He guides me and shows me the way – how wonderful! A completely new picture of God had revealed itself to me!
Then there was a very crucial Bible verse that I read:
That evening I talked to God alone at home. Yes, I was scared somehow. I knew that some things in my life would change (which turned out to be true!), But I also knew it was the way to go. I have given my life to God (and only to that one living, true God) by embarking on trusting Him wholeheartedly and being guided by Him.
That’s been a while now. Much has changed in my life since then. I now have a new job and have been abroad for some time. During this time, I got to know God more intensely and felt his caring blessing. I have found a new, inner freedom and peace that I have never known before. Of course, there are still difficult, sad or just not so rosy times and moments in my life, but I know that I do not have to walk the path alone anymore, but that I am supported by God. I am allowed to come to him in weakness. I can give myself up and do not need to be cool or “taff”, but will be accepted by God as I am; with all my problems and worries. The beauty is, we are allowed to come to God as we are, but we do not stay as we are!
I have learned how he takes care of all aspects of my life. From the material, from my job to my soul. I can say that God completely healed me of my fears of the future and of existence. I trust him now. It is wonderfully reassuring that he knows what I need and that he knows the way that is good for me. Is not that wonderful? And above all, it is good to know, even if I do not know the final goal itself, that it is a goal perfectly chosen by God for me!
Would not we be stupid if we reject the passing yacht – with a good helmsman on board who knows the route, as well as a compass – that invites us to get in, and prefer to continue in our dinghy without a lifebuoy on the Great Ocean helplessly splashing around? Sure, we can choose: a life with God, or one without God. He leaves us the freedom of decision.
He has shown us the way through which we can contact him to see what we are actually there for, and most importantly, to be saved. This way is Jesus, who says that He is the way, the truth and the life and that no one can come to God, if not through Him. All religions show us a thousand ways, alleged ways of man to God – Jesus shows us another way. The way of God to man. And whether this path fits us or not, it is the path shown by God and that is what matters, not our beliefs and ideas of how to be or act God. In a nutshell, this means: “He that hath the Son (Jesus) hath life; and he that hath not the Son of God hath not life.”(1 John 5:12)
I really wish everyone that he is on the side of life and not lost. And that he goes in search of God! Because if you will look for him, with all your heart, then you will find him. And that will be the beginning of a whole new life – a wonderful life!
In retrospect, I understood why so many people seek their luck in esotericism: Every person needs something to believe in. He has a longing for a creator. Like so many people, I created my own God for myself. I was the Creator and God was the created and this God should help me now! I did not even notice what an irony lay in it: the Creator (who was supposed to be greater) asks the created for help, how contradictory! At that time I still did not understand that God created me and not the other way around, that he is the Creator. The Bible (God’s Word) says he knows all people before they are born! And he knows in advance all the ways of man – so great is he!
Many, if not most, people live in loneliness, isolation and insignificance in the face of a cold, impersonal world. Unfortunately, by distorting the true biblical faith and life, most people have gotten the wrong idea of what it really means to believe in and choose God. And so people resort to the manifold offerings of esotericism, because they are starving for something that fills their spiritual need. Moreover, it offers something for everyone due to its endless variety. One expects personal fulfillment, hope, peace, meaning of life. It looks attractive, modern, cosmopolitan and is also tolerant! But most do not know how dangerous this way really is!